Monday, July 31, 2006

The Have's and the Have Not's: Protect your Head - Use the Helmet!

Issued in the interest of the general public by Clearway!

Traffic Constable: Hey, Stop . . Stop!
Bike Rider pulls up - looks at the TC.
Bike Rider: Yeah dude, what's up? Why did you want me to stop?
TC: Where's your helmet?
BR: Why? I lost it a few years back while I was on a picnic. Don't know where it is now.
TC: A few years back? So, you never bought a helmet after that?
BR: No. My daddy bought one for me but strictly instructed me never to take it out. It was a very expensive helmet and he was afraid I might break it if I fell from my bike!
TC: Do you know the new helmet rule that's on from today?
BR: There's no helmet rule, I have withdrawn my order.
TC: Huh? Your order? What do you mean your order?
BR: My name is the same as that of the Chief Minister of the state. And all is in the name. So, Im the Chief Minister of the State.
TC: Hmm, okay. But even in that case, we have not got any papers revoking the order from you, Mr Chief Minister. We go by the original order. You need to cough up a fine.
BR: Heh? You wanna have a showdown with me, the Chief Minister?
TC: See young man, the helmet is meant only to protect your head.
BR: Big Deal! Don't you see that it's my own individual prerogative to decide when and where to break my head? What's your problem?
TC: I think you dont watch movies. John Abraham always wears a helmet and he asks others to wear one as well.
BR: Mr TC, I have two reasons not to use a helmet. One, I did not have sufficient time to purchase a helmet.
TC: No Time? But in your own words, you were the one who gave the orders in the first place! And it has been more than a couple of months since your order came. Are two months not enough to buy one helmet?
BR: Buying a helmet is a long procedure. We need to advertise in the news papers and call for tenders, the tenders would have to be opened in a transparent manner and a source decided and the order awarded. And the most important factor is that the helmet must suit the shape of my head.
TC: Okay, so what's the other reason that you did not buy a helmet for, Mr Chief Minister?
BR: Well, the other reason is that I don't have anything in my head that I may have to protect. So, I have nothing to lose. It's like, if you don't have anything in your house, would you lock it at all?
TC: Yeah, that was obvious, the moment you said you were the Chief Minister merely because your name is the same as his name.
BR: Yeah, you are right. So, why should I pay the fine?
TC: I concede. You do not have anything to protect and hence you don't have to wear a helmet. But those who have something in their heads, should they not be wearing their helmets? Is it not your responsibility, as a Chief Minister, to show the way by example? After all, medical bodies have come to this conclusion after studying so many fatal head injuries. Why all this debate at all?
BR: That's because, we are conducting a survey as to how many people have stuff in their heads and how many people of the state have empty heads. We could not design a perfect test for that. So, the best way is to let people decide by themselves whether their heads are filled or empty. Now we know - those who wear a helmet are the "Have's", and those who do not wear one are the "Have Not's".
TC: That's great. So, you are a proud "Have Not". Congratulations Mr..

Friday, July 21, 2006

Meet the Fockers: Ban on Blogs

Mr Home Minister,
As far as this Blog is concerned, you don't exist. Nor does your Government which has had the guts to put a lock on my home, seal it without notice and then open the doors sheepishly as if nothing ever happened.
Where were you when the bombs were placed in Mumbai rails? Were you cuddled in the comfort of your Air conditioned rooms when hundreds lost their lives and loved ones? What do you plan to do to stop the next attack in the city? Or perhaps, was it the divine intervention that prompted you to block blogs so that no further attacks were effected? Do you have to guts to come over to my place and look at me in the face at this very moment?
You better not! I would make you feel sorry if you did that! Browse the net and see if you can get some tips on National Security. Take a crash course if you please. But never ever think of laying hands on my Blog! India prides itself on its Democratic credentials and on being Super Power material, whether they are facts or myths. Don't blow the cover exposing your weak underbelly. If you can't do your job, resign!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Post for Victims of the Tata-VSNL Conspiracy

They are the latest swindlers in town - and they have made a fortune out of others' money. Tata and VSNL are the twin names that stand for anything evil. They swindle, they rob, they rape - they do anything for money.
As the growing list of victims supports a case for the Government's Black-listing the Tata group, Clearway lists the contact details of Tata group obtained from the web in this post. For those who missed the action, details of the modus operandi of Tata Indicom Broadband Dons can be found in some of the previous posts:
Contact details of some commanders of the 'yet-to-be-banned' organisation are available here:

CMCS. V. Ramanan, head (corporate communications)
Indian Hotels, Raghunath Kale, director (internal communications)
Rallis, Annahita Kapadia, manager (MD’s office)
Tata Chemicals, Sujit Patil, manager (corporate communications)
Tata Coffee, C Jawahar
Tata Consultancy Services, Pradipta Bagchi, general manager (corporate communications)Email:
Tata Elxsi,
Tata International, Shernavaz Colah, corporate communicator
Tata Motors, Debasis Ray, head (corporate communications)
Tata Power, Shalini Singh, assistant general manager
Tata Steel, Sanjay Choudhry, chief (corporate communications)
Tata Tea, Rashmi Mehta
Tata Teleservices, Suroor Hussain, manager (direct marketing)
Titan, Manoj Chakravarti, general manager (corporate communications)
Trent, Neeti Chopra, head (marketing)
Voltas, B. N. Garudachar, general manager (corporate communications)
VSNL, G. C. Banik, chief general manager (public relations)
As you would have noticed, the only e-mail id relevant to VSNL is that of G. C. Banik, Chief General Damager (Public Relations). However, efforts to mail him have been futile - his mail box is already full!
So, dear victims of the Tata-VSNL conspiracy, do not hesitate; just shoot mails to any of the e-mail id's (preferably, each one of them) available. They are all from the same gang anyway!
PS. If any of you could get some more e-mail id's of the gang, please leave comments here.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Militants pack up as Government Deregulates Terrorism

Mumbai is in the news again - and for the wrong reasons! Repercussions of the blast have made the US tighten up its security. That is vigilance, perhaps. Our Intelligence has been caught napping - snoring, in fact.
To be able to blast eight spots in a row, one after the other with the precision of a scientist in experimental conditions is no mean task. Whoever did that seem to have had all the time and freedom to plan, move and act at their leisure. I never knew planting bombs was child's play!
What followed was the lethargic act of convening of a high profile meeting by the Prime Minister, statements by DGP's confirming that the blasts were planned indeed and no act of accident, bodies piling up, relatives grieving, and Intelligence waking up trying to understand what hit them. Heck, I feel so bored to be typing this stuff that happens as if it were some dragging episode in a soap that has been running for years! To be precise, bomb blasts have lost their charm! I mean, they are not exciting anymore, are they?
I really feel anyone could walk up to our President with a bag of explosives and gift him the bag after a warm hug. And I dont think our President would object to that anyway; and our Intelligence folks would promptly put the pieces together as would our Government in declaring a mandatory mourning period. I mean, bombs are plain boring these days!
I would suggest terrorists wind up their business and try some other more profitable and glamorous avenues. And I personally would like to apply for a job where I would have no pressure whatsoever, relax at my will, read the news paper and speak to the media once in a while when some loud noises erupt in buses or trains or market places in the metros. Any idea where I could try my luck?

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Mumbai, Delhi, Democracy and Dr Venugopal

Rains wreak havoc in Mumbai! Is that news? Well, definitely not! That's an annual event, much like the Summer Festival; just that this doesn't have much to do with anything Summer. One would be surprised if work doesn't grind to a halt once or more than once a year in India's commercial capital. And what can the administration and authorities do when Rain Gods work overtime? You don't expect the Government to sack the Rain Gods, do you?

Talk of 'Sacking'! If one were to believe media reports, that's something out government seems to be good at - along with ransacking. What would you do when you want to be constantly in the news and you run out of ideas? You sack someone of the stature of Dr Venugopal a day before his Birth Day and insist that he got what he deserved for not having performed his task.

Sack a Chief, will you? Nah, I did not mean a Chef at your home - a Chief. You conceive a meeting for a couple of hours, lodge your complaints, read them out, be your own justice and spell the verdict out - well, that's no Democratic stuff. So, there’s no way it could have happened in the biggest democracy; definitely not when Mumbai is let to go into hibernation every year as if it's nobody's business to do something about the infrastructure at all. Our governing authorities never budge even in the worst hours of crisis - they just let the system take its course. Don't tell me the AIIMS Director was sacked by some hooligans - not in India!