Tuesday, January 31, 2006

"Stupid Game in the Idiot Box"

In an exclusive coverage of the shooting of ‘Stupid Game in the Idiot Box’, Clearway goes behind the scenes to present to you, the conversation between the two lead players in the show.

Ind: Listen gentlemen! The objective is very clear.
Pak: Objective?
Ind: Mission!
Pak: Oh! So, what’s the plan?
Ind: You tell us!
Pak: Match 1 is 600 +
Ind: That’s too high!
Pak: You go for 650.
Ind: Is it possible?
Pak: Yes of course! We will make all arrangements.
Ind: Okay.
Pak: As for Part 2 . . . .
Ind: There is no Part 2 in Match 1!
Pak: Why?
Ind: Where’s the time friend? Part 1 will go on for 5 days!
Pak: Okay. What about Match 2?
Ind: Ditto Match 1. ‘No Result’ is the only objective.
Pak: Okay, but we will decide our individual scores.
Ind: Yeah. We will do ours.
Pak: But Match 3 has to be different.
Ind: Yes. But, what do you think? Do we need results?
Pak: Actually, results are not necessary at all.
Ind: Hmm, yeah. This is the time we can try new records.
Pak: Yes. People want only new records, always. Who cares about Quality?
Ind: And rulers want no troubles anyway.
Pak: But how to make Part 3 different?
Ind: We have an idea. We will do some ‘Trick’ in Part 3!
Pak: A ‘Trick’? That’s a good idea. But we want to do it.
Ind: No, this time, we will do it. You do it when you come to our place.
Pak: That’s not a bad idea.
Ind: Importantly, we want to do the trick as soon as we begin Part 1.
Pak: Okay, done.
Ind: And Part 1 must be really short in Match 3.
Pak: We will try to close at 250
Ind: Cool. We will end at 240.
Pak: Okay. But Part 2 has to be big. We will aim for 800 +?
Ind: 800? That’s too high. Then, when will we act?
Pak: You act on Day 5. We will give you the last one hour, or perhaps 2 hours.
Ind: Just 2 hours?
Pak: Yes, of course. We want to make our crowds happy.
Ind: Okay. What will be our strategy in the last two hours?
Pak: That, we can discuss over a cup of Tea in Day 5 and decide then.
Ind: Cheers Dude.


‘Match’ means ‘Drama’
‘Trick’ is a trick to turn the crowd on.
‘Records’ means recording the Match.
‘Rulers’ means ‘Jokers’
‘Crowds’ means ‘Idiots’
‘Part 1’ = ‘First Half’
‘Part 2’ = ‘Second Half’
‘600, 650, 800 etc are NOT ‘Millions’
‘Act’ means ‘Act’
‘Cheers’ means ‘Fixing’ things up.
‘Dude’ is self-explanatory.

Producers of the Show: Joint Venture between ‘Pakinson Criminal Board’ (PCB) and ‘Board of Confusion and Catastrophe in India’ (BCCI)

Last Date for Bidding (of shares): 31 Jan 2006
Post Script.
'Pak' means Pakinson, the founder of the board.
'Ind' means an abbreviation used for BCCI, for the sake of convenience.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Irfan Pathan Defines "Swing and Awe"

The cherry swung like magic, bound by the spell cast by the wizard holding his invisible wand! A wizard, was he? He stood like a warrior, shattering the meek defences, watching the front line collapse in submission.
It's no mean trick! When one rocks three stars in their home ground, one after the other, piling them up to announce victory standing atop the fallen blades, it is nothing short of sheer mastery, the confidence over the self and the conscious control of the object that one wields! The red dart swung viciously at such a lethal pace that the memories of their fall are bound to haunt the victims for the next few face-offs that they would have with the Pathan! Such a splendid display of skill with results that would put the most scientific of scientists to shame is witnessed once in an individual's living memories! And that this amazing event occurred in what is seen as the decisive encounter in the series between one of the most notorious rivals of the planet is reason enough to celebrate Irafan for the rest of his life.
It was evident that it took a while for the feel of the historic feet to sink into the heart of the young Irfan Pathan. With the indulgence of being fortunate enough to witness a spectacular show of raw talent and its immaculate application, India looks forward towards a lot more records being torn apart by the vibrant speedster!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Real 'Reality Show'

CNN-IBN discussed the stark realities of the Nation – and reality, by nature, is caustic. The scope of change that privatised media can bring about is amazing; and the Republic Day Special programme was just the tip of a dirty iceberg.

For eyes that are so much used to watching parades every year, shocking figures such as a double digit percentage of people interviewed not knowing what the name of their country is, would have been a blow to the senses. 7% view Republic Day celebrations as a mere waste of money! They were perhaps not asked how that money could have been put to better use. Some never knew why Jan 26th and Oct 2nd were being declared National Holidays every year; one of them was kind enough to remark that Oct 2nd was the “Birth Day of Mr. Gandhi”. Was he referring to his neighbour, by any chance?

An ailing Mr. Amitabh Bachhan received a special “Get Well” card signed by his fans, which was as voluminous as a News Paper. News Papers express deep regret in their front pages for KBC2 going off air. All that some of the popular websites would have in their Republic Day Specials are some patriotic tunes and picture messages for download. ‘Reality shows’ are the rage this day, with the youth pleading on camera for votes.

Media is a reflection; it caters to and expresses the priorities of the public. And ‘objects in the mirror are closer than they appear to be’! Are we listening?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Buta deserves his Birth Rights!

Buta Singh has caught the attention of the Supreme Court again. The last time, the SC said he had to be thrown out of his residence (How rude that is!). Now, he has been charged with fanciful assumptions. I am surprised. This is not what was expected of the Supreme Court!

Mr Singh must have been fast asleep when he was approached for his approval of the Government’s dismissal. And there is nothing wrong with dreaming while in sleep. What he really needs is some rest at home, and some freedom to dream. The court could be Supreme, but what rights does it have to interfere in the personal affairs of an innocent somnambulant? I only wish Mr Singh gets his birth rights of peaceful sleeps; and I hope the Supreme Court makes the necessary arrangements for his safe travel home. I request the Government not to disturb him tomorrow – it’s a National Holiday and don’t trouble him, making the old man stand out in the sun for the Republic Day Parade!

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Clearway – Misty Road®, a subsidiary of Clearway Inc®, is on a hiring spree! A phenomenally successful business unit with operations across the country, Clearway – Misty Road® has been in action since 1947, funnelling billions and trillions in Rupees of revenue out of the system into Clearway Finance®. Reasons for the success are in the marrow of Misty Road®, with our Patented Technologies of Chameleon Behaviour©, Corroded-to-the-Core© and Helluloid Representatives©.

Clearway – Misty Road® is hunting for hard-core, Pachyderm Homo sapiens who can mint money from dust and who have the determination and will power to make a complete ass of the system. If you have it in your genes, go ahead and apply to this ‘Gold Rush’!

Application Form

Original Name:
Other Names:
Number of Passports held:
Education (If any):
Criminal Records: __________________________________
(Continue in separate sheet)
Mother Tongue:
Under World Links: __________________________________
(Continue in separate sheet)
Number of Kidnaps attempted:
Number of Kidnaps effected:
Success Rate (Effected/Attempted %):
Other Income:
Extra Income:
Extra-ordinary Income:
Asking Rate:
Market Rate:
Other Records of Horse Trading:
Assets targeted for this year:
Existing Vote Bank (state targeted community):
Booth Captures attempted:
Booth Captures effected:
Success Rate (Effected/Attempted %):
‘Resources’ at hand for future Booth Captures:
Comfort Level with Plain Shirt/ Dhoti’s (White only): Low/ Normal/ Abnormal
Comfort Level with Kurta Pyjamas (White only): Low/ Normal/ Abnormal
Number of hoardings featuring your names:
Number of hoardings featuring your photos:
Willingness to have a foreign bank account: No/ Yes/ I already have one at Swiss
Willingness to deal in white money: No/ Never
Under-the-table dealings: High/ Very High/ Always
Recorded instances of vandalism in the “House”: ________________________
(Continue in separate sheet)
Recorded instances of vandalism in the streets: ________________________
(Continue in separate sheet)
Ability to wield chairs/ microphones ad hoc, as may be necessary: Good/ Excellent/ Expert
The most important factor in your life: Money/ Power/ Staying alive for ever
Number of party switches this year:
Number of party switches last year:
Number of party switches planned for next year:
Favourite Holiday Destination: Chennai/ Goa
Willingness to stay underground in emergency: Yes/ No/ It depends

Declaration: I have never been true in any of my declarations and I never will be true to the letter and spirit in this declaration as well.

Signature (Please use the current one):
Thumb Impression:

Name of Personal Secretary:
Signature of Personal Secretary:

Note: Personal secretaries of candidates who may not be in a position to read/ write may fill in the form on the candidate’s behalf; In that case, the Personal Secretary is required to sign the form on the candidate’s behalf while the candidate may imprint his left thumb impression.

Misty Road® encourages illiterates to apply – we are interested only in muscle power that can, as has already been declared, make a complete ass of the system.

Our Motto: **** the System!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A Tale of Two Tonnes

Alright, it’s cricket in the news again. With the torrent of runs in Pakistan, our boys have set out to redefine Test Cricket. Sehwag makes it to the front pages as Dravid walks back to the Dressing room, all smiles.

Strangely, the Asian heroes are left searching for the ball, wondering if it hit the bat and if it somehow did hit, trying to figure out where it landed, whenever they tour Australia! The contrast is due to one reason – there, matches are played on cricket pitches. And venues with cricket pitches are a bit different from the grounds where players play in the centre of the ground, on a rectangular patch of turf that stands out from the rest of the ground in that, the patch is shaved off the grass. So, you do get the difference between a Pitch and a Patch, don’t you?

When you bat on a patch, you are only supposed to make a tonne of it. It definitely is difficult to bring Asian roads to world standards; but then, it may not be all that tough to convert patches to pitches! And boys are only supposed to grow up into men – cricket is no child’s play, mind you!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

THE CITY IS UNSAFE - and the Police will NOT act before it is Too Late!

Scene 1:

My cousin and I were having our coffees by around 9:45 PM when I saw the two kids approaching us. They saw me looking at them as they came laughing merrily – the girl quickly said something in the boy’s ear and their laughter vanished as they stood in front of us. It was a neutral expression in their faces as they made the gesture that they wanted some money.

I said: “I would not give any money. I can buy you food. Do you want food?” I waited to see their reaction. And their response was immediate.

“Yes sir. We will take the food”

It was getting late for my cousin. He wanted to go home even before I forced him to the coffee shop. So, I said I would handle the kids and I let him go. I walked with the kids to the restaurant just across the road. They said they were David and Manju.

Scene 2:

I ordered two plates of rice; the kids; David and Manju, wanted a ‘Take Away’. I placed the order and walked out of the restaurant to the platform with the kids. I wanted to know what their background was and initiated a chat with them. They were not going to schools; David was going to school but he discontinued. Manju was the last of 12 children and her dad had died in an accident. Her brothers had ceased worrying about her since their marriages.

I noticed that there were a few people who were having their supper on the side walk where we stood. It was a simple restaurant with no chairs but with circular tables, where people used to have foods, standing. There were groups of people who, I could see, were glancing at me as I walked past with the kids.

It was then, that the gang approached us.

Scene 3:

I was listening to David and Manju, who stood facing me. The men walked in between the kids and me. Just as they walked past, I saw a hand pull Manju along with the gang. I wasn’t prepared for this!

I looked up at the frail looking guy, fair, with traces of beard. He walked past as he pulled the girl.

I reached up to him. He turned back and looked straight into me.

I didn’t speak a word. I gestured to him that I would handle the kids and that he could mind his business. The guy smiled back at me as he loosened his grip on the girl.

Only then, I noticed the hunk who was walking in front of the frail guy. He was dark, held a live cigarette carelessly in his lips and was definitely drunk. And, he was pulling the boy, forcibly. The kid was helplessly trying to resist his force as he dragged him on. I could sense real trouble.

I walked up to the drunkard. I asked him to leave the kid.

He left David. Now, it was his turn to look at me. And then, to step towards me; and then, to lecture at me! (I was getting ready for something else!)

“It’s your mistake. You people are creating problems” he declared.

The kids were near me by now. I was trying to take them into the restaurant - the situation was bad outside.

I was moving into the restaurant as he yelled at me: “You people are spoiling them. What are they doing here at this time? You must not give them any money, not even a single paisa! If you want, give them food!” His voice was strong, loud and smelled of alcohol.

“Give food? That’s what I’m doing now. I’m buying them food. And, I didn’t ask for your advice. If someone does, go and lecture them” I shot back.

I knew it was idiotic to talk to a drunkard; it was dangerous to respond to one who moves in a gang! Still, I said what I did and moved into the restaurant with the kids. I thought it would be safe in the restaurant and the gang would move away. I was plain wrong!

Scene 4:

The food was not yet ready at the counter. I asked the kids to stay inside. Just then, I sensed the commotion behind me. I looked back to see the hunk walking into the restaurant. I noticed some of his gang was inside too! I knew the situation was getting serious. I could sense the kids getting terrified.

“Don’t give any food to them” he announced. Everyone in there, easily around 20 to 30 people, was noticing what was happening. It was now the turn of the employees in the self-service restaurant to be taken aback. The guy kept moving towards the counter at a steady pace, as he cautioned the waiters not to serve the kids. I was very much concerned about the safety of the kids. I had brought them there and I had put them in danger!

“Go away. Go now.” He threatened the kids, as he stood at the only passage that led to the exit. The passage was dotted with men from the gang. I looked at the kids and they were shocked; both Manju and David were crying loud! I had to act, quickly!

“Go away. Just go out of the restaurant.” I ordered the kids.

David didn’t know what to do. He was hungry and was horrified. He said something to me that didn’t get registered in my mind - I just had to get the kids out of there, immediately. I thought he said he wanted food.

“Go to the place where you saw me. Run there and wait for me. I will bring the food. Just go from here. Go!” I ordered so strongly that the kids fled past the hunk and the thugs. They were out of danger. I was not sure if I was! I faced the guy.

Strangely enough, the guy was in a mood for lectures. He repeated what he had already said. “You people are spoiling them. Never give them anything!”

I saw the solution to the problem. I readily agreed with what he said. I nodded and said “Yes. That’s right!” I gestured towards him to move on.

He seemed satisfied with himself. He walked out as his lieutenants followed him. I was surprised to find a lot of people, who were having their food outside, recognise the man. He was talking with them in his booming voice.

I returned to the counter. The rice was not ready yet. I ordered for “roti’s” for the amount that I had paid, in place of rice. They were packed as I looked outside for any trace of trouble that remained. The gang was now dispersing. They walked out of sight. I got the packet and walked up to the coffee shop where the kids found me. There were a few other kids now, some much elderly than David and Manju. The two of them saw me coming with the pack and they ran up towards me. I gave them the packs and warned them never to venture out when it’s dark, again! One of the girls in the group agreed; Manju and David nodded and said they would not come out when it’s dark.

Scene 5:

Just a few yards from the scene of action, a police patrol vehicle was stationed, with three men in uniforms – one of them at the driver’s seat. I approached them and briefed them of what was happening a few minutes ago, how it could potentially have got really messy, how the kids were at danger in the area and how a few drunken rascals ruled the world when it was dark.

They promised to take action.


What do the police do about kids that keep roaming the streets at night?
What do the police do about rowdies who patrol the streets, right in the middle of residential areas, at night?
If it is a patrol vehicle, why is it stationed, instead of being on the move?
How well equipped are the patrolling police personnel, to deal with emergency situations?
Even if the patrol vehicle is to be stationed, why is it conveniently parked in the calm area of the place, rather than where the crowd is, near the restaurant and the bar right next to it?
Why are bars being allowed in residential areas, rather than being relegated to the outskirts of the city limits?

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Because, they don't reside at IISc!

Words become redundant to describe what bullets can do, when mere words sent electronically can throw normalcy off course! New rules are set and Internet Café’s are on the watch list. Browsing Centres in the Southern State require customers to register their names, addresses and telephone numbers, as a result of the Parliament bomb threat mail. E-Mails are bound to be actively monitored and combed through for words that may be as mundane as a combination of the letters ‘R’, ‘D’ and ‘X’. I do wonder if 'Red OXide' would set the panic button on! Or, imagine the case where an e-mail discusses if the floorings of the ‘Parliament’ are coated in ‘Red OXide’! Hmmm, tough job for those in the business of decrypting!

As one would expect, speculation is rife if IISc would be repeated! Not a particularly good mood to begin the New Year, I would have thought! But that’s the way the cookie crumbles! It should be of no surprise if every institute that starts with ‘Indian’ is put on red alert, with special care taken towards those that have ‘Science’ on their names.

For one thing, if I hailed from Tirunelveli, I wouldn’t go to the net café that is comfortably situated right next to my house, send a bomb threat to the Parliament filled with the most important lives in the Nation and get back home, waiting for the police force to arrive knocking at my doors. I would definitely have bought a ticket to Vadodara, then would have come down to Hyderabad, sent the mail to the Assembly there, then would have headed to Gaya, before heading to Agra and finally settling down at Bhopal. If that goes for something as harmless as an e-mail, would the terrorists who had all the sophistications to bring loads of ammunition into the IISc to commit the dastardly act be stupid enough to target another Institute, say, IIM?

It is a lot easier to guess what the second target could be and put up a show of utmost sincerity in nabbing the culprits, than it is to eavesdrop on what they plan to do before they do it! It’s not just the pain of blood – it’s the awe of ‘First Blood’ that goes into their decisions of targets. Our police forces are too intelligent to be setting up shops in front of every Institute, waiting for the criminal to walk up to them to shake hands with them!