Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Mayawati Interview: WikiLeaks and Julian Assange

Mayawati is back in the news - and how! This time, having run out of chasing the same people over and over again, she has sought to go for a target of a different breed - Julian Assange! Assange is her privileged, chosen opponent for now. 

It was in March, 2010, that Mayawati had given her exclusive interview to this reporter, when she made news with her garland made of currency notes. Now, the reporter had to get back to her for another exclusive from Mayawati, in the light of the current not-so-happy relationship that she has developed overnight with Mr Julian Assange. Here we go:

Reporter: Hello Mayawati Ji, Thank you for agreeing for this exclusive interview.

Mayawati: My Pressure! Er . . . I mean, my pleasure. What do you want to ask? Ask me quick, I'm in a hurry.

RP: Sure Mayawati Ji, I understand you would be busy with meeting so many people. To start off with, I hope your garland is safe?

Mayawati: I am not in a mood to comment on the garland now. I am busy using Google to read what this Juliet Assault is talking about me.

RP: You mean, Mr Julian Assange?

Mayawati: Yes yes, the same person. Do you think I don't know him? I know both him and his lover. Romeo. But I cannot understand why he is talking of me now. I'm sure he is mentally retarded and needs asylum. 

RP: Well Mayawati Ji, let's get to that. But is it true that you sent a Private Jet, empty, to Mumbai to buy sandals?

Mayawati: Ridiculous! I was supposed to go to Mumbai to complete a sandalwood deal. And at the last moment, I forgot to wear my sandals. So, I got down from the flight. But the pilot did not know that, and he left me and went to Mumbai alone. And the press people twisted the story, and the US people tilted it again!

RP: Oh! Alright. But, how did the pilot leave without you?

Mayawati: That's what I'm saying! The rear view mirror in the plane had broken, so the pilot did not see when I got down, and he went up without lifting me!

RP: Ahem! That sounds logical. By the way, you mentioned of some Sandalwood deal. What is that Mayawati Ji?

Mayawati: Sandalwood deal? When did I mention about that? That Juliet Assault is mentally retarded, and you are physically retarded! You hear things that I never said!

RP: Well, possibly so. Anyway, so, the pilot returned empty again?

Mayawati: Then what? He went empty, so, if he had to transport me back from Mumbai, I should take another flight to Mumbai and come in his plane. But then, my second plane will come empty, will it not? That's why, I asked him to bring a pair of sandals instead of me. If you know Ramayana, Bharath worshipped Rama's sandals in Rama's absence. Similarly, my pilot took my sandals instead of me. What's wrong in it?

RP: But you said you had forgotten your sandals before you left for Mumbai, that's why you did not go to Mumbai and the plane went empty. How did the pilot get your sandals from Mumbai then?

Mayawati: Exactly! That's the reason I asked the pilot to get a new pair of sandals from Mumbai, because both me and my sandals did not board the plane!

RP: Perfect! Anyway, WikiLeaks reports that you have 9 cooks and two tasters . . . 

Mayawati: That's again ridiculous! The 9 people are not my cooks. I ask them to cook for the entire Uttar Pradesh State, and send food to all my party workers in the State. The USA and WikiLeaks have misinterpreted my generosity and have said they are my cooks alone! Anyway, how can I eat what 9 people cook?  

RP: How generous! And what about the two tasters?

Mayawati: They are wasters, not tasters! They were my cooks who wasted a lot of food when they cooked. So, I dismissed them and called them "Food Wasters". The media, again, they twisted and the USA tilted the story!

RP: So, you had 11 cooks earlier, not 9!

Mayawati: Is 9 plus 2 equal to 11? Then 11 means 1 +1 = 2. So, I had only 2 cooks, not eleven. And even those two cooks were food tasters, I mean wasters. So, I had no cooks at all. It is all media hype and creativity!

RP: You had no cooks? But you said you cooked for the entire State using those 9 cooks . . . 

Mayawati: I don't have time. Finish the interview fast. Next question please . . . 

RP: Did you ask some politician to do sit-ups because you were not happy with his behaviour?

Mayawati: Yes, that is true!

RP: Wow! So, you accept that?

Mayawati: Of course! See, this guy was putting on a lot of weight. And he never worked, always sat and became lazy. So, I asked him to do sit-ups to reduce weight, because I was not happy with his behaviour of putting on weight.

RP: Hmm. Wonderful. WikiLeaks has also claimed that you are a 'paranoid dictator'. 

Mayawati: First of all, let me clarify, I don't have paranoid or any other disease. And I used to dictate letters to my secretary. So, I was a dictator, but I was not paranoid.

RP: But Mayawati Ji, Paranoid does not refer to any disease. Paranoid means . . . 

Mayawati: How many questions more?

RP: Well, almost over. Mr Julian Assange has said that he would be happy to come to India if you send him a plane, and he has also said he would get you 'a range of finest British footwear'.

Mayawati: Did he say that? But, I did not find it in WikiLeaks . . .

RP: Well, Mayawati Ji, you can't find these things in WikiLeaks.

Mayawati: See, this exposes that Juliet Assault. His own website will not publish what he says. If I say something, even Google will publish it!

RP: Well, Actually, Google does not publish anything. It only . . . 

Mayawati: You don't know anything my Reporter. Google publishes whatever I say. Even before I came here, I checked with Google, and it had published every word of mine.

RP: Well, as you say, Mayawati Ji. But, what do you have to say about his offer?

Mayawati: Well, if he wants to buy me some British footwear, why would I oppose it? 

RP: But he says you have to send your private jet for that.

Mayawati: To UK? Why not? First, let him tell me what kind of sandals he has bought for me, then I will send my jet to bring them here.

RP: And how about Julian Assange? 

Mayawati: I can bring him here only if he comes with another garland. And he has to delete all my details from his website and publish good news about me in WikiLeaks.

RP: But that is not what WikiLeaks is about.

Mayawati: Then it's fine. I can manage with my Mumbai sandals. And I will keep publishing news about me in Google. And I will make room for both Juliet and Romeo in a mental asylum here.

RP: Well, I can't take it any more. Will come again when Google publishes about you. Thank you Mayawati Ji.

Mayawati: Good bye. It's time for me to go to Mumbai again.  

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