Sunday, March 12, 2006

"Clearway Terrorism" - BODIES FOR SALE!

Clearway introduces a brand new section - "Bodies for Sale" - this March. Clearway offers dead bodies at special discounts in honour of the "Fighters". Clearway refuses to use any sensitive terminologies that may bias public opinion - so, the terms "Terrorists" or "Cannibals" or "Jihadi's" wil not be used in this section.
While appreciating the "Fighters" on their valiant efforts at sucking the lives out of young bodies and converting them to corpses, Clearway was lost in rewarding the actions of the "Fighters" with a suitable prize. The decision was finally made to obtain the dead bodies from the "Sites of Action", preserving them and awarding the bodies to the "Fighters" themselves. We shall make the utmost efforts to preserve the corpses in manageable conditions, without any further decay. However, it must be noted that it may not be possible to deliver our "Product" in the best of shapes, as the bodies may be damaged, mutilated or may already have been twisted out of shape when the operations were actually carried out. Some of the corpses may even have decayed slightly - Clearway tenders its personal apologies, in those cases, to the "Fighters". In such cases, we offer Special Discounted rates - and depending on the availability, we may have promotional schemes like "One Body Free for every Two Purchased".
As an introductory offer, Clearway offers 'Early Bird Prizes' - to enable us maintain sufficient stock of bodies in our Deep Freeze facilities, Clearway announces a Cash Reward of Rs 1 Lakh for Terrorists who carry out fresh attacks and provide us with young, tender bodies that are below the age of 10. We encourage Terrorists to take special care in their attacks so that at least, the skulls of their victims are not too badly damaged - we tolerate a damage level of 25% to the cranium but not more than that. Rs 50,000 will be awarded to the Terrorists who can manage to bring in "Live Victims with No Limbs" - it goes without saying that the other body parts are supposed to be intact, at least, attached to the main body and not totally cut off. A bumper prize will be annouced shortly for the most successful terrorist who can bring in 100 bodies without their heads - at one lot! Please avoid dripping of blood all the way - the smell of blood sometimes, may put prospective bidders off (though some of them actually like the smell of blood).
Expect Bonanzas to be announced shortly in this space - we would have Bids, where the highest bidder of bodies and body parts would be given the opportunity to be where he covets the most - he/ she could spend 3 nights and two days with the dead body of his or her choice and do whatever he/ she wants to do - the only request is to return the body to Clearway as it was taken delivery of.
Clearway expects a high response rate from Terrorists all around the world to participate in this "Once in a Death Time" offer and make the most of their special skills in sucking lives out of mortals!
Post (Mortem) Script: While all care was taken at not having 'sensational words' printed in this space, the word "Terrorist" somehow made its way here. However, Clearway views it as a recognition of the uncanny dexterity of the Terrorist to get to any space unnoticed and rip it apart, wash it with blood and decorate the place with pieces of flesh, bones and nerves. Long Live the Terrorist!

Picture Courtesy:

No comments: